Updated: Nov 30, 2020
If you're reading this post, you may be the Christian Husband seeking answers as to why your wife doesn't desire you as she once did or why it's like pulling teeth to get her to be interested in you and "all" that you have to offer. You want your wife to be head over hills for you, but I want to pose a few questions that will help you evaluate where she may be mentally.
When is the last time you actually took time to sit (uninterrupted) and just talk to your wife about her goals, aspirations, desires, needs, thoughts, wants, fears?
Do you know what makes her smile?
Do you know what turns her on and off?
Do you know the name of the cologne she prefers?
Do you know if she prefers a foot rub over a back massage?
What causes her to worry?
Do you know HER?
Many husbands complain about their wives withholding and not complying with the Bible to submit (which isn't excusable), but in all fairness, are you truly loving her the way that Jesus loves His bride (The Church)?
Do you give her what she desires or what YOU want her to have?
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; | Ephesians 5:25
What do you do on a daily basis to let your wife know that she is cherished, loved, and adored? What do you do to make her long for your presence when you're gone? You give one kiss before you leave for work, maybe a periodic hand hold during dinner (if that), and one kiss before you go to sleep - which is hardly any affection at all.
Women aren't stimulated the same as men through visual, and so when you want to be intimate, this is why her mind sees everything associated with it as a chore and she goes into toleration mode!
You can't expect the Heavy Duty $500.00 fireworks when you're only investing in the little $5.00 sparklers. You will get out of your wife what you put into her.
In your honest opinion - if you were in your wife's shoes, would you be satisfied with what she's been offered from you month after month and year after year? What sustains her enthusiasm?
"I work hard, provide, come home faithfully, and periodically give her money to go shopping. Seems like I'm doing everything right!"
That's great that you provide and do these things, but these are all things you would do even if she wasn't in your life. You'd work because you have bills to pay and you'd come home faithfully because it's a place where you lay your head and rest at night to recoup. Tossing a credit card here and there is a pacifier so that you don't have to apply effort to research, pursue, and plan anything special.
So again, what sustains her enthusiasm?
You want intimacy - but how can there be intimacy if you don't look into her to see what she needs? Women respond to love and affection and if you only give her 5% of this, she probably feels abandoned, frustrated, and unloved.
If you want your wife to open up to you and find you irresistible, you must first open her mind and pour love into her that makes her feel safe and loved in your arms. Her mood will forever be an indication as to how well you are loving her. If she's walking around cleaning the house with a big smile on her face singing and enjoying life, give yourself a pat on the back because you have a lot to do with that. But, if she hardly ever smiles and always looks stressed, you have a part to play in that as well.
For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: | Ephesians 5:29
There is a saying that people make time for what's important to them. Pursue your wife. It's not fair to her that you give yourself to everything else only to come around 10 minutes before 9:00 PM so that you can say you've been showing love. No woman wants an afterthought love because you're trying to "get love"!
I'm excited to share that there is yet hope. Nothing is impossible for the Lord to mend and heal. If you apply the same effort you did to pursue her before marriage, you can receive an even greater response now that you're married!
So what does that look like?
Adopt a servants heart. When you place the needs of your wife before yours, you'll begin to ask her questions which will invite you into her world. What best way to learn about your wife other than spending quality time in her world. If your sole focus is to please her, you'll do everything in your strength to make sure her needs are being met. She won't be an afterthought, but a delight to your soul.
Tonight, I challenge you to have a conversation with your wife and see where she is mentally. Her heart is a vault and can hold many things. The enemy is very crafty and will use issues such as this to drop negative seeds in the mind of the spouse who feels unfulfilled. Cherish your wife the way that Jesus has always cherished His church. If you struggle with love and affection, take it to the Lord and allow Him to make your heart and mind over.